Saturday, January 1, 2011

Thoughts

This is just going to be a rambling, free-form sort of post. My thoughts at this moment in no particular order.

Grief is an interesting thing.
You can't predict it, you can't structure it, you can't organize it.

While I was watching the valiant efforts of the medical team try to save the life of our dear Ella,
I felt numb.
Disconnected from myself.
Focused on my son-in-law and husband, who were sobbing openly.
Focused on my daughter's grim stoic face.
I held back the tears.

But they came later.
They come in waves.
Like the waves of heat that blast your face when you open an oven door.
Like the ocean waves that keep coming and coming.
Then I pull my self together.
And make the heartbreaking phone calls.
Make the necessary plans.
Trying to think of things to ease the pain for my dear ones.

Then the waves return.
Like when the lady at the baby store gives me a beautiful crystal bracelet.
For our little Ella to wear in her casket.
And throws her arms around me and holds me while I sob.

Or when the labor and delivery nurse who attended Amy writes a sweet note,
attached to her generous donation for Ella's funeral expenses.

But then I can laugh myself silly at a movie last night (Wild Hogs) on tv.
And have wonderful conversations with my kids in Amy's hospital room.
And we can giggle over our family's idiosyncrasies.

And speaking of my kids,
My patriarchal blessing tells me my children will be a comfort to me.
Wow, is that ever being fulfilled, in an amazing way.
Each of them, with their own unique talents and gifts, bring a huge measure of comfort.

For those of you who still have little ones at home.
Just you wait until they are adults.
You will never love them more.

I think my cousin Anne gave some awesome advice.
Breathe. Take one day at a time. Carry a box of kleenex in the car.

Better words were never spoken.

12 comments:

Connie said...

Marilyn,
I think of you and your family often since I read about Ella leaving so soon.
You describe your grief in a beautiful way, even though it's hard to have to put it in to words.
Take care, know there are many who have you in their prayers.

Connie said...

And I agree whole heartedly about loving your children even more when they're adults. That bond just gets stronger over the years.

sandalloons40 said...

oh Marilyn. who could never ever just love you? I love you Marilyn just for the way you are! Your encouraging words, your spunk, your motherhood, your grandmahood, your fun spirit, your faith that rocks, your talent, your sweetness, your kindness, You!
May God richly bless you in your life continously! I am saddened by your loss and will continue to pray for Amy and her dear husband and your all! ♥

GGMA said...

That love grows stronger than ever in our later years. But the grief is always there in a small spot. You just learn to live with it and give it voice once in a while. Keep up the good work.

Suzie said...

I was driving alone last night to pick up my son at about 1am last night and my thoughts turned to you, my friend. I shed a tear knowing a little bit of what you all are dealing with.

Just want you to know I am thinking of you, praying for you & your family & hoping that those tender mercies & moments of clarity will be plentiful.

Loved this post and agree wholeheartedly about the surprise of relying on your adult children for strength. It's really quite amazing. I'm just at the beginning of that blessing and really appreciative of it.
Take care & my love to Amy.

Lisa @ Pulsipher Page said...

I have been following your daughters story and have been praying for a different outcome. I'm truly sorry. I know all to well of loss. I lost a baby girl,Angela a few years back. She only lived for 2 hours. I cried all the time for a while and then life would trigger thoughts of her and there I would go crying again. I didn't think I could handle the graveside service (I wanted to stay in bed) but it was so spiritual and I felt the comfort of the Holy Ghost so strongly. Time really does heal. Hearing from other women who went through the same kind of loss helped me more than anything else. They really knew how I felt. It helped so much.
I pray that your families grief will be strengthen through the blessings and power of the Atonement.

Lisa

Just ME the MOM said...

Just the thought of the loss of your little Ella brings tears to my eyes. I'm so sorry. So sorry for your loss and for sweet Amy, how everyone's hearts must be aching.

Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking and praying for you.

((hugs))

Kristin

Crandalls said...

Marilyn, I can't describe how I felt when I heard Terry's teary voice telling me about your loss and then when I talked to you I just sobbed! How I love you both and how dear Amy and Bret are to us. They have rendered a great service to us by caring for Grandpa with such love. I know how you feel about your grown children. They are my best friends. Their support of us on our mission is unsurpassed. You and Terry have also been just amazing to us. I find that time is the great healer. Heavenly Father made it that way so we could bear the heartaches we have to bear in this life. You are an amazing woman and I love and respect you very much.

Larissa said...

Aunt Marilyn, I am so sorry for the pain you all are going through right now. I love you all and you are in my prayers.

Alice Wills Gold said...

Oh Marilyn,

I am sooo sorry. I can't even imagine how hard this is on all of you.

I will send some prayers your way. Consider yourself cyberhugged.

And remember that sometimes we even have to take it just a minute at a time. That's o.k.

Robert & Leigh said...

Your strength, honesty, and endurance are such an example. I am grateful for the opportunities I have had to be around your family; my life has been greatly affected in ways I never before realized, in ways I use to take for granted. Thank you for being so strong and mothering such an amazing family. My heart is with you.

Kerin said...

Marilyn,
My heart is heavy for you and for your sweet family, and we continue to pray for you all.
I think the advice that your cousin gave you is very good advice, and clearly she loves you a lot.